We (the people) interview Adam Szymkowicz
So what happens when Joshua Conkel, Bekah Brunstetter, Ken Urban, Kara Lee Corthron, Micheline Auger, Mariah MacCarthy, David Grimm, Tessa LaNeve, Dominic D’Andrea, and Robert Askins interviews “Mr. Interview” Adam Szymkowicz himself? See below:
Joshua Conkel: How many hobos have you killed with your hobo knife? Why should or why should playwrights not murder the homeless?
AS: I have not killed any. Why? What have you heard? How many have you killed? Playwrights should not murder hobos because it may lead to jail and depression …unless they think they will write better plays in jail while depressed.
Bekah Brunstetter: How about the age old: what’s the difference between a duck?
AS: A church.
Ken Urban: Anal bleaching: yea or nay?
AS: That sounds like a lot of effort.
Kara Lee Corthron: Who invented the moustache comb?
AS: The Earl of Moustache, of course. He was eating a sandwich and was all, “oh no! How do I get rid of these crumbs!” Invention is bred from necessity. Horses are bred by horse trainers who need more horses.
Kara Lee Corthron: Vicodin or Percocet?
AS: Oh man, percocet really fucked me up once. In the end, I stopped taking it and just lived with the pain.
Kara Lee Corthron: If you could . . . would you?
AS: I usually try to.
Kara Lee Corthron: What is sand?
AS: Glass waiting to happen.
Kara Lee Corthron: Twizzlers?? Seriously??
Micheline Auger: If you could be any woman in the world: who would it be and why?
AS: I would like to cross Regina Spektor with Jane Smiley. For obvious reasons.
Mariah MacCarthy: The right one and the wrong one are at the door. Which one do you let in?
AS: The wrong one? No, wait. I know this. the wrong one? no. wait. It’s the title of a film. Let The Wrong One In. Or was it Tootsie?
Mariah MacCarthy: Is it difficult balancing your career as a playwright with your career as a pirate? Can you introduce me to Keira Knightley?
AS: Yes. No.
David Grimm: What one question have you reused over and over again the most on playwright interviews, and why?
AS: Almost all of them.
David Grimm: What’s your favorite Campbell Soup flavor?
David Grimm: Explain the prose style of your stage directions.
AS: Sparse, awkward and underworked.
David Grimm: If you were suitcase on “Deal or No Deal,” which would you be and why?
AS: The one full of money. I want to be full of money.
David Grimm: Who is Maggie?
AS: The Cat.
Tessa LaNeve: Why haven’t you changed your name to one people can spell?
AS: They need to come to me. I’m not going to pander to them just because they’re not Polish.
Tessa LaNeve: How much do you really care about the answers to the questions you ask?
AS: It depends on the answer.
Tessa LaNeve: Do you ever get bored with your questions?
Tessa LaNeve: Ok listen… how do I get to be like you?
AS: More bourbon.
Tessa LaNeve: Is your blog a launching point for a career as a hard-hitting journalist? If so, good luck buddy.
AS: Noooooo. and thank you. I’ll take all the good luck I can get.
Dominic D’Andrea: Adam, what is in your fridge right now?
AS: I’m at a hotel in Philly right now. A third of a sandwich. At home? I don’t have a home. In my friend Susan’s fridge in Brooklyn where I’m subletting are a lot of ketchup packets. In my late grandmother’s house where we were living there is a lot of bad beer.
Dominic D’Andrea: What are your irrational hatreds and/or fears?
AS: suffocating. traffic. dying before accomplishing enough.
Dominic D’Andrea: Can you make us a list about stuff and things you think we should know?
AS: I think you should know that no one really knows anything. It might seem sometimes like there is knowledge that will help us open doors to more knowledge but the more you know the more you realize how many things that no one will ever know and the most beautiful work of art can not ever answer the simplest of questions and the most genius artist can only make us think something we already know but maybe forgot. I want to make you feel things.
Robert Askins: If Shakespeare had a baby with Ibsen, which living playwright would their baby most closely resemble? (Hint: you can’t say yourself.)
AS: Rob Askins.